What does it take to let go of old habits?
You know those habits that are so ingrained, you hardly realize you have a choice?
Let me tell you a story…
Ten years ago, when I first moved here, I got a job at a Bed and Breakfast. I was part housecleaner, part “assistant manager.” I could tell the staff was too thin for the busy season when I started, but I didn’t know why. It became clear quickly enough.
The boss was mean. Emotionally abusive. She flat-out yelled at people. Even the B&B guests. She’d go out-of-control, blaming, accusing, at the top of her voice. Yeah, Not too good for business, as you can imagine.
Most people would have quit right away and gotten the heck out of Kansas. I, on the other hand, proceeded to stay there for two years, because I wanted to help shield the other employees. I thought I could calm the owner down. (And often, I could!)
But the price was high.
She didn’t stop her inappropriate outbursts. I got more and more anxious, afraid of the phone call I would inevitably get on my off hours, summoning me to help try to smooth things out. It was an emotional minefield, and I’d put myself right in the middle.
Without going deeply into the psychology…
Let me just say that the hook was familiar. Not the yelling, but the feeling needed = love and approval hook was big for me. It was a unique brew of “sick” and “logical.”
I did finally leave, and I haven’t repeated it (exactly) since.
Recently, however,
I’ve noticed the increasing difficulty I have prioritizing my own needs and desires against a long list of things needing doing for others.
It’s an old habit. It feels “normal.” The question is, how do you step out of these old habits that don’t help?
My guess is: gradually. Awareness comes first. I see the items on my list that are for me. I see I never seem to get to them. The next step is to put those items at the top of the list. I know better than to think I can turn this behavior around in a blink.
What’s important is…
Continuing to encourage yourself to embrace the new behavior.
An irony—the new doesn’t feel as “good” as the old. It is a lot healthier, but when an old habit gets built from a slightly twisted definition of love, it takes a lot to let it go.
Coach’s Challenge:
Become aware. Where are you acting out old habits that bring you frustration, pain, and exhaustion, over and over? What is the old interpretation of love that goes with this habit? What would a new definition look like?
After you’ve answered these questions, bring a boatload of patienceto bear with yourself. Keep nudging yourself toward the unfamiliar, uncomfortable “new” way—for me, it’s prioritizing my self. What is it for you?
What old habit needs to go so you can flourish?
Leave a comment if you’re moved to do so…
